tale of the tranny

Posted in Uncategorized on October 25, 2010 by p4wn3d

wasup people.. thought i should hit you up with a random story of some ish that i found to be really funny.

am hardly two days into my assignment in antananarivo and its already proving to be quite the interesting joint to be at screw the poverty and over population

…….so peeps lets assume a sitting room setup *kila mtu shot ya jamesom ndio msinicheke* so as i’m leaving work i decide to go to the bus stop to catch a cab…. kumbe its whore-oclock up in this country walalala so am huko going to the stage.. this “woman” with the ashiest face I’ve ever seen happens to be part of the female entourage so for a minute i give them the benefit of the doubt prolly its a skin problem *Insert Kanye Shrug*

so as am huko chilling for a cab from right behind me  ashy face character funguas “her” mdomo and asks taxi.?and there is a characteristic bass you can only find in a dudes voice, so i ignore kidogo kidogo the girls of the night entourage  start rockin up at the bus stop in twos so i get kidogo scared(call me a lil-b&^%h if you like) and hepa back to the office…
A lil negotiating with the watchie and he offers to walk me to a taxi, as we walk to the taxi i ask the watchie lupa with “ashy face” and her grey face.? thats when he breaks it down and tells me the ashy faced character is a she-male… si i died chekain walalalala

10 Reasons Why Men Don’t Call Women Back

Posted in Uncategorized on February 17, 2010 by p4wn3d

(10) We smashed you off too quickly, the mystique is gone: If we meet you on Friday, and hit dat on Monday…then you’re classified as a jump-off, and jump-offs require the bare minimum of conversations. As a matter of fact, we probably have you saved in our cell phones as “Jump-off from Friday.”

(9)We Just Left You- If you and I just went out on a date, I’m not going to sit on the phone with you unless you’re telling me to come back over so I can blow your back out. Otherwise, get acquainted with my voicemail.

(8) We are talking to someone more interesting- And by more interesting, I mean “New P—-.” New P—- takes precedence over all old P—- phone calls, texts, and faxes. Play your position, toots.

(7) We are watching Porn- Or football, Basketball, or catching up on ESPN. If you are lucky, I’ll call you back after Sportscenter, or after Somebody swallows.

(6) We are NOT your HOMEGIRLS- We don’t want to listen to you recap what happened on your dance shows, your reality shows, or your real housewives shows. 5 minutes into the conversation we know how the next 2 hours will go if we allow it, so we hit you with “Ima call you RIGHT back…” But we won’t.

(5) Something Important Came up- Our brother got locked up and we had to bail him out. Our Ex caught a flat and is willing to pay in coochie coupons if we help her out. Grandma is making dinner and we are starving. Men have very sporadic lives; please don’t judge us for being spontaneously unavailable.

(4) You are a groupie- 7 out of 10 women that you meet in the club/bar are groupies. Men love groupies because of their convenience. However, we hate speaking, conversing, and chit chatting with groupies. Other things we love about you are the naked camera phone pictures and videos that you send us that we share with our boys. A simple 2 minute conversation is all the time that we have allotted for a groupie, anything else can be said in person as we mush the back of your heads into our crotch area.

(3)We are on OVERLOAD- Dammit you g-chat us, send us direct messages on twitter, comment on every damn thing we post on Facebook, and now you want us to spend our precious free time talking to you on the phone all night? Can we live?

(2) We are trying to conduct business- How am I going to take you to all of these nice places that I’m lying about taking you to if I am on the phone with you all evening instead of working? Men are business driven; we have to have time to work. If we spend all night rapping to you and no time brainstorming, then we’ll make no money and you’ll be sending the NEXT dude naked camera phone pictures.

(1) You’re A Clinger- There is NOTHING worse than a clinger. If we just met and you are talking about baby names, matching tattoos, and changing your kid’s last name to mine, then you’ll last about 3 phone calls and at the max 15 texts. Never accept clingers as a friend on a social network site, they’ll be all up in your comments, your friends comments, and THEIR friends comment walls, fishing for info. Let me know if I left anything out!

©hypnotik

in l355 th4n 30 m1nut3s

Posted in Uncategorized on July 10, 2009 by p4wn3d

picture this….  i wake up in the morning get fresh n clean then shuka stairs go to car park with intend to drive off peacefully to work,  then hoooot neighbor rocks ups, she’s like can i hitch a ride am like hell yeah no doubt. so i weka key in ignition moti locks nyet starts naetin! i try again nothing, tradegy! hoot neighbor wishes me well in fixing my jalopy and walks off.. agony! now 30 minutes down the line.. i open bonnet battery-check, then something tells me starter cud have kwamad i gonga gonga the thing.. ingia moti turn key then vrooooom .. damn insert all possible curse words here..! moti starts. target has potead in the horizon i drive off to work cursin all the blue ball gods.. LOL in life you win some you loose some i guess tha car was marking its territory damn these females!

Prima Donnas

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2009 by p4wn3d

Dear Perched Prima Donnas,

I have a bone to pick/break. In my mind, this bone is about the size of Italy’s tibia. If you don’t get that, just know that it’s a bone no dog is burying anytime soon.

I’ve had several conversations in past weeks about relationships (go figure). But more specifically about your kind, the woman who can’t find the upright man.

Hopefully, what follows will hammer you upside your head so hard that you’ll find yourself in front of a mirror nursing the knot that I plan on leaving. While you’re there, maybe you’ll conduct some introspection as well and see that you don’t need all that damn make-up. So if you’re up on a pedestal of any kind, you might want to come down now. I’m about to go Paul Bunyan on your perch with an ax named humility. …

You are single for a reason, and it ain’t because you want to be. It ain’t because there aren’t any good men or that they’re all taken. It ain’t because you’re smarter than every guy you date. You’re not. And it ain’t because you can quote Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I A Woman” verbatim.

Look at the company you keep, and you’ll see yourself. It’s cliche, but true. To understand this, you must choose a road less traveled of introspection, especially if your kept company blots your life story with major flaws and sprinkles of stupidity.
You want to know why [fecal matter] keeps falling on you like Biff from “Back To The Future?” Go look inside — and take cover. People can’t urinate on you unless you allow them to do so. Ask Robert Kelly or his cousin Avant. Even 8-year-old Riley Freeman knew this. Remember what he said: “When I see pee, I move.”

That said, you can’t continually say that there are no good men if you only surround yourself with material fit for a toilet bowl. Good men exist — they just don’t hang around toilets.

I’m not saying you should lower your standards. Just make sure they are reasonable. Try this: Date someone of equal yoke. Remember, yoke/yolk is deep within the egg’s flimsy shell.

Most of the guys you date see through that thin exterior — as do you. They see you on your pedestal. So instead of courting you, they chase you because they know that you’re not what they truly desire/need (~ Rob Weave). Trust me, Beyonce had it wrong: If he liked it, he woulda put a ring on it by now.

The catch is that you do several things wrong, and Mr. Right Guy(s) is side-eyeing you like you took the his big piece of chicken… Here’s why:

You choose the wrong guys to date, believing you can mold the guy you want into the man you need. You’re actually crazy enough to think that the fella who treats you like [manure] because he has the upper hand is more appealing than the pseudo-Yes man. SMH;

You’re too damn full of yourself/ignorant to see that you have a crap-ton of self-repair to do before anyone should seriously date you. If you don’t have a clue as to who you are, how are you supposed to give that to someone else? …;

You don’t give of yourself to a point where the right man actually feels secure enough to open up to you. He will. But if you spend the entire first date judging whether or not he deserves seconds, are you really showing him who you are? That’s right. You’re a skilled multi-tasker…;

You’re picky. You think perfection is feasible. It’s not. Look no further than yourself. Stop shutting good people out because of minor annoyances. Guess what? You’re annoying, too;

You waste the time and money of guys whom you have no sincere interest in dating. Why waste your and his time allowing him to trick off his paycheck on you when he has no hope? That’s stupid — and how you end up on your nightly news.

All of the above.
If you can find yourself in the bullet points above, you’re a trainwreck waiting to happen.

Face it, you’re just as flawed as any man you choose to date or look down upon. You’re no better than the 29-year-old guy with 21 kids and a minimum-wage gig. Yes, you’d be a fool to date/sleep with him, but you’re not better than him. To think/verbalize that you are, shows just how hollow you are. Gents see it — your shady hollowness. Again, that’s when men decide to chase, not court.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of dumb, unexplainable stuff that guys do while in pursuit. But if a guy shows you too much negativity or doesn’t tickle your fancy, why are you still humoring him with your time?

That was rhetorical. This is the truth: If you’re used to dealing with average dudes, maybe you need to admit that you’re an average chick. Don’t take that the wrong way. I’m definitely an average dude with mad flaws. And remember, we’re in Italy today, realizing that we’re nothing more than Romans who need to turn our swords away from other people.

In other words, get off your high horse. The steep fall off of your 24-inch stilletos platform causes more self-inflicted hurt than any man could ever do you. Stop thinking you’re too good for people. Be who you are. Stop wearing that make-up mask all the time.

Finally, be humble. Humility is infectious, and the desires of your heart will come to pass if you just see yourself for who you are, flaws and all (a decent Beyonce song). Realize that your perch de-womanizes you. Trust me, no man wants a perched Venutican. He wants a Roman who accepts her shortcomings and is willing to walk with crowds and still not lose her virtue.

Fear little… You should know the rest by now.

***still chopping at your perch***

Uptight ladies and shameless Bamba Twenty..somethings

Posted in Uncategorized on June 5, 2009 by p4wn3d

Hey wasup my people *waving excitedly* its been a while and ya boy here has been up to quite alot

This is going to be pretty much about anything and nothing in particular so assume we are chilling in my sitting room and just vibing that way it’l make sense.

Recently learned is the term bamba twenty, basically this is a ka lass fresh from highschool down for all plans on a single calls notice, so chaps that ka young lass you are eyeing could be a bamba-21 LOL

The other day my  pal K calls me for a ka loose one, you know very well am addicted to whitecaps i quit JWs after they nearly fried my liver so easy easy we are chilling his boy joins us, now lets call him Psyche coz a negro had psyche for ten mofos and tales from here to timbuktu

So tale number one, psyche meets a chic during 10-aside, they bond one two three and exchange numbers, kidogo kidogo after about three days mama texts a dude and this is how it goes.

Chics Text: Hi sweetie, am in a fix wioyee si you send me 15 Gs. Now if you know me well, am sure you have a clue how i’d have replied to that text after fighting the urge to ignore.

so psyche lengaz, after a couple of hours she calls

Chic: Hi Sweetie, did you get my text
Dude: Who are you.?
Chic: Si am the chic you met in nakxs the other day
Dude:*Mind racing madly seeing as he has a plethora of bamba twenties numbers* errrm am sorry i have no clue who you are
Chic: Huh , you cant be serious
Dude: Haiya am serious hebu identify yourself
Chic: clack clack nywet!8 * she hangs up

And thats how a dude was saved 15Grand from a chic he had no clue what her second name was

*take a break, fix yourself a drink, sit back and relax*

Tale number two, In real time after pint had taken a toll on us we playing pool then psyche decides to nyemelea some chic, kumbe she’s of the uptight tribe, this is how it played.

Psyche: disclaimer * Am not hitting on you*
Chic: hhhhm okay, so whats your story
psyche: aaaarg si ive just kujad here so we bond seeing as your boy is busy playing pool
Chic: Alright..
Psyche: So whats your name?
Chic: even if i tell you my name you wont kumbuka seeing as you are high like a kite
Psyche: just tell me, trust me just like am sure i’l be at jobo 7:30 in the am i will kumbuka
Chic: No u wont

i listened thus far coz that right there was a mama from the species i dont pay much regard to, whats so difficult in being nice to a stranger for petes sake if you dont want people talking to you at the local of all places drink at your crib and spare us local dwellers the bad karma. we go to the local for a good time nyef nyef

in other news shout out to all easy people out there, who know what it is and are aware that this is life and no one will get out of it alive. Its never that serious Pamoja!

M0menT 0f truth.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 5, 2009 by p4wn3d

SupremeGream thank you for the award, tell’em i know am awesomely awesome.

The Ten

1. I’m an introvert on regular programming but i open up to people pretty easily if i realize you are of the intelligent type and have an idea where the grand canyon is.

2. I have a distaste for braggarts and people who ride on other folks fame, and cant stop running thier mouth about
so and so has this or am planning to do this or i will catch up with you and shit, this aint a race negro this is life, do what you gotta do and let it speak for itself. i always make it known to them theres two sides to a coin go figure

3. In the recent past i’ve become pretty blunt and i wont hesitate to tell it to your face when you act plain dumb what me and my peeps call acting like a ng’ombe or become a pain.

4. I respect true friendships, and make friends quite easily but the moment i realize you is a friend of convenience, poof like a bad habit you get dropped, friends of whats the plan its friday also are slowly having the axe fall on them.

5. Clingy women are a major turnoff, gold diggers and pigeons alike fall in the same time space continium too. also “i’m miss indepedent and i will rub it on your face” kinda put me off too.

6. In my list of to do is date an older woman, there’s something am not sure what that makes them come across as complex in a way, my fantasy i guess to be proven in a shortwhile.

7. I love my job, that has led to people reffering to me as a workaholic it cost me my last relationship damn! that should tell you am good at what i do too no chest thumping.

8. I HATE touchy niggaz i dont get it how a dude cant keep his hands to himself if you need to touch something touch yourself dont come squeezing my hand or my shoulders that shit is just plain irritating.

9. I’m religious, i make it a point to visit the house of the Lord every so often just to bask in his glory.

10.In my 20something odd years i have dated twice- wrong women at that, that also is the normal count of the heartbreaks. ever since i’ve learnt to always leave my heart at my bedside everytime i leave the house in the morning and no am Not cold !

The Rules.

I would wish to extend the award to the below with the following instructions.
1.You must brag about the award – check
2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger – check
3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.- check
4.Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.
5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on with the instructions!

The list

Vipper most adventurous chap i know
Bella dude do the effin tag no homo!
Militant assuming he’s done fighting for gay rights
Orioneur i miss her tales
Boyfulani how he plays with words is amazing
louizahw pretty lass should tell us a lil about herself
Archer boss dose from yours ni lazima – though u been tagged endlessly.

G-CODE RULES

Posted in Uncategorized on April 16, 2009 by p4wn3d

What is the G-Code?
The G-Code is the unspoken set of rules that all men should just damn know to abide by. It’s the rules to the game of life that all men should respect in terms of dealing with other men. It’s the understanding that all men SHOULD have that helps guide their interactions with one another.

Thou shalt not date thine homies girlfriend, while he is dating her. Or ever, actually. This is just bad business on some looser sh*t.

Thou shalt not do deeds behind thine homies back that will put him in a dangerous situation merely for thine own good. Especially for the p*ssy.

Thou shalt not throw another man under a bus to make thineself look good.

Thou shalt remember that it’s bros before hoes. Period.

Thou shalt not get jealous for jealousy is a female trait. ←-Jay-Z said it, not me.

Thou shalt not let emotions cloud one’s judgement. Men act rationally. Unmen act on emotions.

Thou shalt do the crime if thou doesth the time. Thou SHALL NOT attempt to reduce thine own sentence by taking down a homeboy on some non-sense.

Thou shalt not act like ole b*tch when things don’t go thine way. We call this b*tchassness.

Thou shalt not be a b*tchass for being a b*tchass is how ninjas get dead.

Similarly, thou shalt have thine homies back if the situation calls for it and your homie didn’t directly put you both in harms way by being a b*tchass.

In fact, thou shalt check thine b*tchassness at the door because real G’s do real things and thou cannot do real things if you got nuts in your mouth. Or on your shoulder.

Thou shalt stay true to the game, respect the game, and treat the game like you want the game to treat you. What is the game? The game is whatever life you live.

Ladies, if you are dating a man who seems to be at odds with any of these rules, which come down to general respect for the next man, run like Hell, he just might get you killed.

PS: Women can replace all gender-specific wording with the opposite (i.e. hoes before bros, etc.) and the code should work. Trifling heffas that don’t respect the code should be avoided at all costs because they WILL get you dead.